Transparency.

August 12th 2014.
Hi, my name is Nicholle Howden.  I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 2 years and 8 months. 
As a young and impressionable 14 year old I started down a very dangerous path. Comparing myself to those around me and assuming I had to be just like them created a struggle with an eating disorder. It all began as just restricting certain meals. This was the first step to many that landed me in treatment as a 20 year old. My specific case was hard to pin down at times. I was an extremely active person and chose the times I would eat to conceal my problems. I struggled with undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and OCD: all of these exasperated my eating disorder behaviors. 
The more my world would get out of control the more I would try and control my body. I listened to all my insecurities and false thinking, I told myself I wasn't worthy...of anything. My senior year of high school my disorder took a serious turn: I was struggling with heartbreak, loss of friendships, and instability. My parents sat me down and asked me about my habits.  The first wave of emotion I felt was guilt that they had found out I was struggling. The second wave of emotion was anger as treatment was brought to the table of discussion, which scared me. I told them I would stop restricting which I did. I then began a different chapter of my disorder. I would binge and purge when I felt out of control. Due to my body type, it was hard to see these habits. They were not as visible from the outside.  Internally, I was screaming for help. Still, through all of this, I wasn't happy. My depression and anxiety were at an all-time high my senior year: I began to self-harm because I was in a lost and confused black hole. A black hole I thought I would never have the strength to climb out of.
My first year of college I began lifting weights. I was determined to not gain the freshman 15 pounds I was told was inevitable. I didn't, I lost 15 pounds. I was told I looked amazing and healthy.  This fed my disorder because of how I got to that point with my body.  For everyone looking at me, I was healthy. The second year of college I had a pretty extensive surgery that had me laying on my stomach the 6 months of my recovery. This spun me down into another depth of my disorder. Not able to do anything was killing me. After dropping to 120 pounds (I typically weigh 140), I talked with my Mom and Dad. I wanted to put myself into treatment after I finished the spring semester of college. The next couple of months I gave into all my habits because I knew I would be going to treatment. This is not what you're supposed to do, but this is a good example of the kind of irrational thinking I had. 
July 5 2011, I arrived at Remuda Ranch in Chandler, AZ. There are no words to express the bundle of emotions flowing through me at that time. I flew there on a one-way ticket not knowing when I would be going back home. I ended up spending 6 weeks at Remuda. The friendships I developed there are some of the strongest and most sincere in my life. We may not talk often but that bond will always be there.  I took my first step to fight this battle. I wish I could say that battle was won there in AZ, but I still had a long road ahead of me. 
At Remuda, I was in classes, counseling, cooking, and activities with women just like me.  I had never felt more normal and able to be "ME" in my life. One evening a group of us girls decided we wanted to get small tattoos to remind ourselves of the fight we will continue to fight and WIN each day. I had drawn a heart with a black pen on my left wrist since high school. I started to draw it to remind me that even when I don't love myself that The Lord loves me first and those around me love me. That night in AZ I drew that heart for the last time and had it drawn on permanently. This heart is a constant reminder to: keep fighting, keep loving, and keep living. 
I tried transitioning back to life but I was not quite stable enough yet. I placed myself back into treatment in October of 2011 at a hospital in Portland Oregon. This program was a day program. I was there for another 6 weeks. When I graduated from the program I finally felt stable. I had the confidence to keep going.  I knew what I needed to do each day to love my body.  When I left I was able to leave my handprint on the wall as a reminder to not look back except to be reminded of how far I have come. 
Now 32 months after I graduated from my second treatment program I can confidently say I am in RECOVERY. Do I still struggle? Yes. Do I let it take a hold of me? No. I am a new person. I know who I am and love actually living life not just trying to survive. 
I am choosing to THRIVE. I made a commitment to myself to pursue fashion when I was at Remuda. I have since returned to college, graduated with my Associates Degree of Business, and am currently in fashion school. I have opened up an etsy business that has been giving me an outlet for all my creativity. I am also a Sales Associate for Kate Spade New York. 
Upon finishing my Fashion Degree I am going to pursue a career as a Stylist. I still have my dream of being a designer but that dream is on hold.  I have realized timing is key to success.  That chapter in my life will come. I am incredibly excited for that chapter but also for each new chapter leading up to that time.  For now I am going full speed ahead with Topknots and Pearls.  T & P has been an amazing experience for me and I cannot wait to see where I will be in a year.  
 
The Lord has blessed me and is leading me on an amazing life, 
a life I almost gave up fighting for. 

 

 

 

 
Outfit Details:
Lace Dress: TJ Maxx $16.99
Jean Jacket: JC Penney $6.99
Brown Bow Belt: Target $10.00
Cowgirl Boots: Ross Dress for Less $12.99
Turquoise Ring: Forever 21 $3.98

 

Photos courtesy of Shannon Thorp of Thorp Photography.Makeup courtesy of Ashley Spafford of All Dolled Up Makeup Artistry
 
 
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