Written in January 2015:
A year ago I experienced an early pregnancy loss. I was only about 7 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant and then the next day I began miscarrying. I didn’t have enough time to completely comprehend the change that was happening before I started to lose the one thing I have looked forward to the most since Jason and I were married. I shared with Jason the loss a few days after it happened. It took me a few days to be able to put everything into words so I wrote it in a card. It was an emotional day for Jason and I. It bonded us together as husband and wife which I wouldn’t change for the world. Jason and I decided to keep it between us, knowing that it happened so fast and that we both weren’t prepared to have this, being a fresh loss, so out in the open. As we approached the 1 year anniversary of this loss I have been processing a lot of unexpected emotions. I’ve been reflecting on the last year and everything I have gone through emotionally, grasping for any way to find comfort.
At first, I struggled with knowing it wasn’t the right time for our family to grow but wanting that baby I had lost. I know we would love that baby with all our hearts. I then started dealing with anger and feeling like I wasn’t justified to be angry. Why did we have to lose this baby? I can’t remember a time that I DIDN’T want a baby, struggling with knowing I couldn’t have my baby crushed me. Something that helped me get through this time is looking at the baby section of stores. I avoided them with all I had for months. It hurt every time to pass by them and know I didn’t have my baby to shop for. I knew I needed to get through that trigger, I jumped head on. What ended up happening, was I had an overwhelming sense of hope. Hope for the day I will be the one buying little outfits and blankets. Hope for the day I will be the one shopping for maternity clothes. Hope for the day I will be the one bouncing my little one in my arms. Now I am in a place of peace. I wouldn’t have gotten here without letting myself grieve. It is a process that is painful but necessary for complete healing. Now that I have allowed myself to grieve I am able to treasure that little babe that is with the Lord and am content in knowing that someday when it’s God’s timing our family will grow. I still struggle with the pain of this loss and always will. That pain will never go away but what has changed is that I am comforted in knowing The Lord has a plan. A beautiful and perfect plan. I wear a gold bar necklace with an “a” on it, symbolizing my sweet Angel Baby. Someday I hope to find a 14k gold one that will last me forever.
This past year I have struggled with keeping this hidden. It has been one of the deepest struggles I have dealt with. Loss of any kind makes an impression on your heart. You are forever changed by that loss, you can make that change a positive or a negative change. Through the Lord’s guidance, this loss has been a positive change for me. I have prayed long and hard about expressing this part of my heart. I pray my story can bring hope to someone who is feeling hopeless. I pray my story can bring direction to someone who is lost. I pray my story can encourage someone who is discouraged.
One day, all of you will be able to celebrate with us when we grow our family. It will be one of the happiest times of my life. A time I feel I will treasure more now than I would have before. For now, I am content being a mama of a little angel baby.
3 Years Later:
Since writing this post, I have found what makes my heart at peace celebrating our Angel Baby. Each anniversary of this day, I buy a single white rose and place it in a vase. This reminds me of the sweet little soul that is in heaven and waiting for me each day. On that day I go and buy a gift for our future babies. This gives me hope for what is to come and peace for what wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes when I find something that gives me joy for our future, I will buy it and place it in our hope box.
These two things help me to get through a day that could be unbearable. I have found such peace in this day and hope. If you have a loss that you struggle having peace through, I encourage you to find what helps you find hope through that anniversary. It will be different then everyone else who has gone through a loss but what is important, is that helps you.
Since losing out precious babe, I have been able to walk through some hard roads some of my closest friends have had to walk. I wouldn’t have had the compassion and understanding to give them if I hadn’t walked through that journey before. I am hopeful to see the rest of our story come together and to see how God uses this story throughout my life.
PS These photos are not up to par with what I create now but my mom encouraged me to keep
these ones on this post out of memory during this time.