Fall fashion brings so many happy memories and fun experiences. This season I am having a harder time with the change in season, not for the weather but for where Jason and I are in our lives.
It has been 18 months since Jason and I left San Diego and moved back to Oregon. We moved thinking that we would be buying a house ASAP and moving into a new house by Fall of 2016. Oh boy, did God have a different plan for us.
Let me start off by saying, no we haven’t bought a house yet.
No, we can’t even start looking yet.
This has been so difficult for us to walk through, living in a transition for 18 months and knowing we are realistically 9 months away from that changing due to developing job history in our current positions. I try and have a super positive outlook on this but sometimes I become overwhelmed with emotion.
Our home is in boxes. Boxes I thought I would have access to in 3 months but now 18 months later I wish I would have packed all our belongings in a very different way. I don’t necessarily need these belongings that are packed away but boy do they make my life easier sometimes. Not having them accessible is so hard! So much harder then I thought it would be.
Our home is in a 10 x 10 foot storage unit. A unit that I feel blessed to have but brings me to tears everytime I have to take something there or find something I need in it. Never would I have thought that a storage unit could hold such an image of what I feel. Boxes piled on top of each other, plastic covered tufted headboard leaning on the side, my furniture stacked almost to the ceiling. I wish that when I saw this in front of me that I would always be filled with gratitude that God provided us with the inside of a home but I am being brutally honest, 95% of the time I am discouraged looking into that storage unit to the point that I avoid it at all costs.
Our home is currently in a bedroom. We are living in my old room in my parents home. They have been SO gracious to help us in this LONG transition. I will never be able to pay them back for all they have done for us and continue doing for us with zero complaints. We have taken over their lives and it’s not always in a good way 😉 We brought a dog into their home that comes with a lot of clean up, vacuuming fur, yard pickup, barking, and feeding duties. They haven’t complained. At all.
Our home is in dysfunction and transition. This has me in a mess most of the time. Trying to run a “home” when you have nowhere to put your belongings or have areas to function has been the biggest trial for me. We have a desk, vanity, dresser, overflowing closet (cause, well, I am a style blogger lol!), dog crate, tv, and Jason’s hobbies in ONE BEDROOM. It’s a tight dysfunctional fit.
Our home is not where we live but who we are living with. I have realized I too often was caught up in keeping our home a certain way or new ways to decorate that I forgot that my home was with Jason. I have realized that even though a huge part of me still desires to keep a home and create a space that is beautiful and comforting for our family (a desire that God created in me), that if the home between Jason and I (our marriage) isn’t taken care of, the rest doesn’t matter. We haven’t had the easiest of times in our marriage. I won’t go into detail other than the fact that when you start dedicating the time you need to in your marriage THAT becomes the home that you keep up and make beautiful.
I have been struggling with my anxiety over our future. Literally waking up from nightmares of us living in a home that was overrun with bugs, had no floors (I seriously dreamed this one night), or we had no furniture to fill our new home. These nightmares were taking a toll on my health. Each day I would look on Zillow and freak out because I couldn’t find anything I would want to live in with our price range.
This is when I had a major wake up moment. God had to get a hold of me because I was a spiraling tornado of extreme emotions and false realities. He has our future in His hands. Oh, how comforting that is to truly think about what that means. It may mean that we are in a home that isn’t my ideal but I know God has a purpose just as living with my parents for 2 years wasn’t my ideal, God has a purpose.
All of this to say, if you are in a time of transition (long or short), that it’s ok to have many emotions over your situation. Just remember that God has you in His hands. He knows what your future holds. He also understands the emotions that come with the process.
If you are waiting for your transition to be over, find what your “home” can be that you build up and focus on during this time.
Until we have a home to share decor content with etc, be prepared to see a lot of Fall Fashion on here!