A Look Back | Life after a miscarriage.

 UPDATE on 10/29/17:
October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. This month is near and dear to my heart. If you haven’t read our story of Baby A, it’s written in it’s most raw form below. It’s also taken me almost all month to be able to muster up the courage to write this update as it’s not the most upbeat update.

 

This month is close to my heart after my sister and brother and law lost their first baby boy Ezra at 36 weeks along. When Jason and I lost our baby in January 2014, this month meant so much more to me.

 

Now 4 years later, I am filled with such a mix of feelings.

 

When we lost our baby, I had thought within a few years we would have a baby with us here on earth. To now be 4 years down the road and still not feel like we are at the place in our lives that it’s our time is both frustrating and saddening.

 

I know that our life isn’t ready to change in this way. Transitioning out of the military career has been a longer process for us then I thought at first. Until we are more settled and stable, I can’t see us having a little one. I know in my right mind it’s the right thing to be STILL waiting but it’s getting more and more difficult to be at peace with that.

 

I always want to be 100% honest and transparent with you guys. Right now, this is a much more difficult chapter to walk then before. My heart aches to be able to successfully carry a baby in me, to sustain it’s life and welcome it into this world. To be able to be trusted with a little life to love on and raise to love the Lord is a desire I have that can be overwhelming at times. A desire to be a part of the mom club: park dates, rocking babies at coffee dates, even have that mom brain! Oh how my heart is impatient.

 

In this period of waiting, I have been encouraged beyond words can describe by friends and family. I even got the blessing to help design a beautiful necklace to remember Baby A with a dear friend, Kelsey from Happily Made! She makes the most unique handcrafted jewelry, check out Facebook.

 

Photos to come! 

 

If you are waiting for your sweet babe, know that you are not alone. Even when words are not spoken, women all around us are waiting for their turn or mourning their loss. I am thankful for a month that I get to remember what God created and wait for what will be someday.

 

Baby A’s miscarriage Story

Written in January 2015:

A year ago I experienced an early pregnancy loss. I was only about 7 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant and then the next day I began miscarrying. There wasn’t enough time to completely comprehend the change that was happening before I started to lose the one thing I have looked forward to the most since Jason and I were married. It took me a few days to be able to put everything into words so I wrote it in a card to share with Jason. 

 

It was an emotional day for Jason and I but it bonded us together as husband and wife which I wouldn’t change for the world. Jason and I decided to keep it between us, knowing that it happened so fast and that we both weren’t prepared to have this, being a fresh loss, so out in the open.

 

As we approached the 1 year anniversary of this loss I have been processing a lot of unexpected emotions. I’ve been reflecting on the last year and everything I have gone through emotionally, grasping for any way to find comfort. At first, I struggled with knowing it wasn’t the right time for our family to grow but wanting that baby I had lost. I know we would love that baby with all our hearts. 

 

I then started dealing with anger and feeling like I wasn’t justified to be angry. Why did we have to lose this baby?  I can’t remember a time that I DIDN’T want a baby, struggling with knowing I couldn’t have my baby crushed me. Something that helped me get through this time is looking at the baby section of stores. I avoided them with all I had for months. It hurt every time to pass by them and know I didn’t have my baby to shop for. I knew I needed to get through that trigger, I jumped head on.

 

What ended up happening, was I had an overwhelming sense of hope.

 

Hope for the day I will be the one buying little outfits and blankets.

 

It’s hope for the day I will be the one shopping for maternity clothes.

 

Hope for the day I will be the one bouncing my little one in my arms.

 

Now I am in a place of peace.  I wouldn’t have gotten here without letting myself grieve.  It is a process that is painful but necessary for complete healing. Now that I have allowed myself to grieve I am able to treasure that little babe that is with the Lord. I am content in knowing that someday when it’s God’s timing our family will grow. I still struggle with the pain of this loss and always will. That pain will never go away but what has changed is that I am comforted in knowing The Lord has a plan. A beautiful and perfect plan. I wear a gold bar necklace with an “a” on it, symbolizing my sweet Angel Baby. Someday I hope to find a 14k gold one that will last me forever.

 

This past year I have struggled with keeping this hidden. It has been one of the deepest struggles I have dealt with. Loss of any kind makes an impression on your heart. You are forever changed by that loss, you can make that change a positive or a negative change. Through the Lord’s guidance, this loss has been a positive change for me.

 

I have prayed long and hard about expressing this part of my heart. Praying my story can bring hope to someone who is feeling hopeless.  I pray my story can bring direction to someone who is lost. Praying my story can encourage someone who is discouraged. One day, all of you will be able to celebrate with us when we grow our family.  It will be one of the happiest times of my life.  A time I feel I will treasure more now than I would have before. For now, I am content being a mama of a little angel baby.

3 years after miscarriage:

Since writing this post, I have found what makes my heart at peace celebrating our Angel Baby. Each anniversary of this day, I buy a single white rose and place it in a vase. This reminds me of the sweet little soul that is in heaven and waiting for me each day. On that day I go and buy a gift for our future babies. This gives me hope for what is to come and peace for what wasn’t meant to be.

 

Sometimes when I find something that gives me joy for our future, I will buy it and place it in our hope box.These two things help me to get through a day that could be unbearable. I have found such peace in this day and hope. If you have a loss that you struggle having peace through, I encourage you to find what helps you. It will be different then everyone else who has gone through a loss. What is important, is that helps you.

 

Since losing out precious babe, I have been able to walk through some hard roads some of my closest friends have had to walk. I wouldn’t have had the compassion and understanding to give them if I hadn’t walked through that journey before. I am hopeful to see the rest of our story come together.

 

PS These photos are not up to par with what I create now. My mom encouraged me to keep these ones on this post out of memory during this time.

 

God has a plan for your story whether it’s a miscarriage, infertility, or infant loss.

 

A story of our miscarriage and how we have found peace and hope during this loss.

A story of our miscarriage and how we have found peace and hope during this loss.

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26 Comments

    • January 15, 2017 / 1:12 pm

      Thank you so much for reading. It means the world to me. God bless!

  1. January 15, 2017 / 10:38 pm

    Oh sweet girl. It really is such a personal, confusing loss. I had a similar experience before getting pregnant with my daughter and I’m so proud of you for processing out loud and sharing your story. I’m sure it will help so many other women…

  2. January 16, 2017 / 10:00 am

    So sorry for you loss lady, but thanks for sharing! It’s so relatable and will help others cope. Hugs to you! xx

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:50 pm

      Thank you so much for your support, Sarah!

  3. January 16, 2017 / 11:52 am

    It is so hard for people to understand the experience, my mom had a few miscarriages and I was a miracle. Even if I haven’t experienced it hearing my mom tell me and see how much love she has for me because I have her miracle. It is very special, and also heartbreaking.

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:50 pm

      What a beautiful thing to be for your mom! That can be so special and heartbreaking at the same time.

  4. January 16, 2017 / 2:12 pm

    Sending you my love sweet girl. I went through this before getting pregnant with my daughter and it’s something so personal and confusing to communicate… Thanks for sharing.

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:49 pm

      Thank you so much for this encouragement! Your sweet rainbow baby is beautiful! She has to bring so much light into your life. <3

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:48 pm

      Thank you so much, Lauryn! Your support means the world!

  5. January 16, 2017 / 4:09 pm

    Sweet friend, I know I haven’t been following your blog for long, but I already believe you are a kindred spirit. Though you have walked through so many hardships, your grace and love continue to shine, and the love of the Lord shines through you. My heart aches for your loss, but is simultaneously encouraged that one day you *will* have the opportunity to snuggle with that little one in the presence of God – and what an amazing thought that is. My mom had two miscarriages before me and one after me, making me the “miracle child” (though I certainly feel far from that sometimes), and she still hurts all these years later over the loss, even though she’s at peace as well. It’s an ache that won’t ever go away, but a constant reminder that God is faithful to us as well and brings us comfort when we need it the most. Thank you for being so raw and sharing your story with us. You are the most beautiful soul.

    Stephanie // SheSawStyle.com

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:47 pm

      Thank you so much, Stephanie! It truly is a reminder of what God is doing and writing in my story. How beautiful that you get to be that sweet rainbow baby for your mama.

  6. January 16, 2017 / 7:32 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure your openness will help someone else experiencing loss. <3

    Lauren
    http://www.anexplorersheart.com

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:46 pm

      Thank you, Lauren! That is my hope and prayer. XO

  7. January 16, 2017 / 8:27 pm

    Wow! This post took so much courage. Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest. Loss is never easy, I’ve never experienced this kind of loss but I can’t even imagine how challenging it would be. Love that you shared your journey.

    • January 17, 2017 / 1:45 pm

      Thank you for your support, Jessica! Loss is hard, no matter if it’s the loss of a child or a friend. I truly hope it brings people courage!

  8. January 17, 2017 / 7:55 pm

    So very sorry for your loss. You are so brave for sharing your story and I love the way you keep your sweet angel baby’s memory alive each year with a white rose.

  9. Colleen
    October 15, 2017 / 8:40 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Though I haven’t personally experienced this, this last year both my sister-in-law and my best friend lost their babies a few hours after birth, and my other sister-in-law had a miscarriage. We’ve had fertility issues for the past few years, and nothing can sting more than new baby clothes that you can’t use. Thank you for sharing this, and for sharing your hope and your comfort in Christ ♥️

    • October 17, 2017 / 1:16 pm

      Thank you so much! It’s a difficult trial to walk through, fertility issues or losing a baby, they both result in empty arms. I am thankful God chose me as I have seen him grow me in so many ways through it! Someday it will be my turn <3

  10. October 31, 2017 / 7:20 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your lose. A close family member of mine lost her twin boys just a few weeks after their beautiful wedding. It was so hard to see them go through it but now almost two years later they have welcomed a baby boy into their lives. It will be your turn one day xx

    https://dreamofadventures.com/

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