A Look Back | Life after a miscarriage.

FINAL UPDATE 10/1/18

My baby would have been 4 this September. I don't think the age of my baby has impacted more deeply then this year. Picturing what I have walked this year with a 4 year old brings me to tears. 

This year has been so far from what I expected it to be. At this point, I was supposed to be living in a house instead of in my old room at my parents home. I was supposed to be talking about having children instead of mourning the fact that I may not be able to in the future. 

This is my final update on Baby A's story. This is my goodbye to this chapter of my life. I will ALWAYS think of my sweet baby in heaven. I will forever be thankful that that sweet babe didn't have to walk the road I have. God protected my child from pain. For that I am forever thankful for. 

When I wrote the below update, my life was just starting to be shaken to its core. I believe that's why the below update was so raw in emotion. 

I have celebrated my last mother's day for my baby A, the last miscarriage birthday, and now the last pregnancy loss month. This feels so final for this chapter. I am a ball of mixed emotions. I am nearing 30 and may never have children of my own because of my age. It's just me now which means there is no hope for siblings for my baby A. The finality of this time is incredibly deep and apparent to me. 

In honor of my baby A, I am going to gift the items I have bought for the future babies I thought I would have. I have two gifts: one for a baby boy and one for a baby girl. I want these brand new treasures to go to two of my followers that have walked this journey with me that are expecting babies of their own or have someone who would treasure these items. 

Check back to see how to enter. 

UPDATE on 1/14/18   This year, I contemplated not updating this post on my miscarriage. I was anxious about the fact that I am still hurting over this loss 4 years after. Will it ever be less painful? Do people grow tired of me talking about this loss? Consumed with what I think people are thinking and the expectation of where I should be in this grieving process. I woke up on January 14th, the 4th anniversary of my Baby A being in heaven and realized that this post has documented the highs and lows of the last 4 years. I cherish these memories, however hard they are, as they are the only memories I have of my first child. When it's finally my time to have a child on earth, I know I will want to keep my 1st baby's memory in my heart and mind. This anniversary was the hardest one yet. I think because I am going through so many changes and are still in such a deep transition time, it hit my heart hard.

This is not where I thought my life would be at the age of 27. Letting go of the expectations I had in my life and being at peace with where God has me. His plan is far more perfect than my own. I took Sunday very easy, trying to be present and not distracting myself. A day of just being, it was exactly what I needed. I picked out a white rose for Baby A that is sitting on my nightstand right now. These anniversaries will get easier, for now, I am ok that it is painful because I know that God has beautiful things in store for me. The biggest thing I want to encourage you with is that you should never feel like there is an expectation of how you should grieve or at a certain point you need to stop talking about your story. These decisions are yours and yours alone. You should always be met with warmth and encouragement 1 day after your loss or 10 years. Thank you for giving me the encouragement to keep sharing my story! It truly fills my heart.    

 UPDATE on 10/29/17: October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. This month is near and dear to my heart. If you haven't read my story of Baby A, it's written in it's most raw form below. It's also taken me almost all month to be able to muster up the courage to write this update as it's not the most upbeat update. This month is close to my heart after my sister and brother in law lost their first baby boy Ezra at 38 weeks along. When I lost this baby in January 2014, this month meant so much more to me.    Now 4 years later, I am filled with such a mix of feelings.

When I lost my baby, I had thought within a few years I would have a baby with me here on earth. To now be 4 years down the road and still not feel like I'm at the place in my life that it's not my time is both frustrating and saddening. I know that my life isn't ready to change in this way.

Transitioning has been a long process for me, longer then I thought at first. Until I am more settled and stable, I can't see me having a little one. I know in my right mind it's the right thing to be STILL waiting but it's getting more and more difficult to be at peace with that. I always want to be 100% honest and transparent with you guys. Right now, this is a much more difficult chapter to walk than before. My heart aches to be able to successfully carry a baby in me, to sustain its life, and welcome it into this world. To be able to be trusted with a little life to love on and raise to love the Lord is a desire I have that can be overwhelming at times. A desire to be a part of the mom club: park dates, rocking babies at coffee dates, even have that mom brain!

Oh, how my heart is impatient. In this period of waiting, I have been encouraged beyond words can describe by friends and family. I even got the blessing to help design a beautiful necklace to remember Baby A with a dear friend, Kelsey from Happily Made! She makes the most unique handcrafted jewelry, check out Facebook.

If you are waiting for your sweet babe, know that you are not alone. Even when words are not spoken, women all around us are waiting for their turn or mourning their loss. I am thankful for a month that I get to remember what God created and wait for what will be someday.

Baby A's miscarriage Story

Written in January 2015:

A year ago I experienced an early pregnancy loss. I was only about 7 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant and then the next day I began miscarrying. There wasn't enough time to completely comprehend the change that was happening before I started to lose the one thing I have looked forward to the most in life, bringing life into this world. It took me a few days to be able to put everything into words.

As I approached the 1 year anniversary of this loss I have been processing a lot of unexpected emotions. I've been reflecting on the last year and everything I have gone through emotionally, grasping for any way to find comfort. At first, I struggled with knowing it wasn't the right time but wanting that baby I had lost. I know I would love that baby with all my heart. 

I then started dealing with anger and feeling like I wasn't justified to be angry. Why did I have to lose this baby?  I can't remember a time that I DIDN'T want a baby, struggling with knowing I couldn't have my baby crushed me. Something that helped me get through this time is looking at the baby section of stores. I avoided them with all I had for months. It hurt every time to pass by them and know I didn't have my baby to shop for. I knew I needed to get through that trigger, I jumped head on.

What ended up happening, was I had an overwhelming sense of hope.

Hope for the day I will be the one buying little outfits and blankets.

It's hope for the day I will be the one shopping for maternity clothes.

Hope for the day I will be the one bouncing my little one in my arms.

Now I am in a place of peace.  I wouldn't have gotten here without letting myself grieve.  It is a process that is painful but necessary for complete healing. Now that I have allowed myself to grieve I am able to treasure that little babe that is with the Lord. I am content in knowing that someday when it's God's timing I will have a baby in my arms here on earth. I still struggle with the pain of this loss and always will. That pain will never go away but what has changed is that I am comforted in knowing The Lord has a plan. A beautiful and perfect plan.

I wear a gold bar necklace with an "a" on it, symbolizing my sweet Angel Baby. Someday I hope to find a 14k gold one that will last me forever.

This past year I have struggled with keeping this hidden. It has been one of the deepest struggles I have dealt with. Loss of any kind makes an impression on your heart. You are forever changed by that loss, you can make that change a positive or a negative change. Through the Lord's guidance, this loss has been a positive change for me.

I have prayed long and hard about expressing this part of my heart. Praying my story can bring hope to someone who is feeling hopeless.  I pray my story can bring direction to someone who is lost. Praying my story can encourage someone who is discouraged. One day, all of you will be able to celebrate with me when it's my time.  It will be one of the happiest times of my life.  A time I feel I will treasure more now than I would have before. For now, I am content being a mama of a little angel baby.

3 years after miscarriage:

Since writing this post, I have found what makes my heart at peace celebrating my Angel Baby. Each anniversary of this day, I buy a single white rose and place it in a vase. This reminds me of the sweet little soul that is in heaven and waiting for me each day. On that day I go and buy a gift for my future babies. This gives me hope for what is to come and peace for what wasn't meant to be.

If you have a loss that you struggle having peace through, I encourage you to find what helps you. It will be different then everyone else who has gone through a loss. What is important, is that helps you.

Since losing my precious babe, I have been able to walk through some hard roads some of my closest friends have had to walk. I wouldn't have had the compassion and understanding to give them if I hadn't walked through that journey before. I am thankful that this is part of my story.

God has a plan for your story whether it's a miscarriage, infertility, or infant loss.

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