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Life

A Look Back | Life after a miscarriage.

Written in January 2015:

A year ago I experienced an early pregnancy loss. I was only about 7 weeks along when I found out I was pregnant and then the next day I began miscarrying. I didn’t have enough time to completely comprehend the change that was happening before I started to lose the one thing I have looked forward to the most since Jason and I were married. I shared with Jason the loss a few days after it happened.  It took me a few days to be able to put everything into words so I wrote it in a card.  It was an emotional day for Jason and I. It bonded us together as husband and wife which I wouldn’t change for the world. Jason and I decided to keep it between us, knowing that it happened so fast and that we both weren’t prepared to have this, being a fresh loss, so out in the open. As we approached the 1 year anniversary of this loss I have been processing a lot of unexpected emotions. I’ve been reflecting on the last year and everything I have gone through emotionally, grasping for any way to find comfort.

At first, I struggled with knowing it wasn’t the right time for our family to grow but wanting that baby I had lost. I know we would love that baby with all our hearts.  I then started dealing with anger and feeling like I wasn’t justified to be angry. Why did we have to lose this baby?  I can’t remember a time that I DIDN’T want a baby, struggling with knowing I couldn’t have my baby crushed me. Something that helped me get through this time is looking at the baby section of stores. I avoided them with all I had for months. It hurt every time to pass by them and know I didn’t have my baby to shop for. I knew I needed to get through that trigger, I jumped head on. What ended up happening, was I had an overwhelming sense of hope. Hope for the day I will be the one buying little outfits and blankets. Hope for the day I will be the one shopping for maternity clothes. Hope for the day I will be the one bouncing my little one in my arms. Now I am in a place of peace.  I wouldn’t have gotten here without letting myself grieve.  It is a process that is painful but necessary for complete healing. Now that I have allowed myself to grieve I am able to treasure that little babe that is with the Lord and am content in knowing that someday when it’s God’s timing our family will grow. I still struggle with the pain of this loss and always will. That pain will never go away but what has changed is that I am comforted in knowing The Lord has a plan. A beautiful and perfect plan. I wear a gold bar necklace with an “a” on it, symbolizing my sweet Angel Baby. Someday I hope to find a 14k gold one that will last me forever.

This past year I have struggled with keeping this hidden. It has been one of the deepest struggles I have dealt with. Loss of any kind makes an impression on your heart. You are forever changed by that loss, you can make that change a positive or a negative change. Through the Lord’s guidance, this loss has been a positive change for me. I have prayed long and hard about expressing this part of my heart. I pray my story can bring hope to someone who is feeling hopeless.  I pray my story can bring direction to someone who is lost. I pray my story can encourage someone who is discouraged.

One day, all of you will be able to celebrate with us when we grow our family.  It will be one of the happiest times of my life.  A time I feel I will treasure more now than I would have before. For now, I am content being a mama of a little angel baby.

3 Years Later:

Since writing this post, I have found what makes my heart at peace celebrating our Angel Baby. Each anniversary of this day, I buy a single white rose and place it in a vase. This reminds me of the sweet little soul that is in heaven and waiting for me each day. On that day I go and buy a gift for our future babies. This gives me hope for what is to come and peace for what wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes when I find something that gives me joy for our future, I will buy it and place it in our hope box.

These two things help me to get through a day that could be unbearable. I have found such peace in this day and hope. If you have a loss that you struggle having peace through, I encourage you to find what helps you find hope through that anniversary. It will be different then everyone else who has gone through a loss but what is important, is that helps you. 

Since losing out precious babe, I have been able to walk through some hard roads some of my closest friends have had to walk. I wouldn’t have had the compassion and understanding to give them if I hadn’t walked through that journey before. I am hopeful to see the rest of our story come together and to see how God uses this story throughout my life. 

PS These photos are not up to par with what I create now but my mom encouraged me to keep

these ones on this post out of memory during this time.

 

A story of our miscarriage and how we have found peace and hope during this loss.

A story of our miscarriage and how we have found peace and hope during this loss.

Life Uncategorized Winter Style

26 things you don’t know about me.

 DRESS: c/o Zaful (under $30! I am wearing a medium for length) | SHOES: Steve Madden | Earrings: Similar HERE | CLUTCH: Clare V. ($35 version HERE) | LIPS: Revlon Love Amor
 
 
 
I am turning 26 today and thought it would be fun to share 26 things you may not know about me! I love birthdays and love celebrating. Jason has come to know this part of me in our marriage so we went shopping in Portland today! We stayed at the Hilton in Beaverton to help celebrate. Beaverton means a couple things to me: one of my favorite date night malls (Bridgeport Village), Chik Fil A is down the road, and it’s super close to Washington Square mall where my favorite Nordstrom is. Today is the most perfect of days. Thank you, Jason!


 
ONE: My socks NEVER match. Ever. Unless they are brand new out of the packaging! 
 

 

 
TWO: I am a nerd. I love anything that has to do with numbers. *cough* business major over here!
 
 
THREE: I have a major sweet tooth…GIVE ME ALL THE CANDY…especially gummy candy!
 
 
FOUR: I grew up in a small town where there is only a Safeway and a WalMart for “shopping”.
 
 
FIVE: I try not to but literally live off of Coca Cola and black coffee. Anyone get me, $1 cokes at McDonald’s?! Anyone?? My dad passed this trait on to me.
 
 
SIX: I am the youngest of 4 kids in 5 1/2 years total. It was a crazy circus growing up but I treasure those crazy memories and the crazy memories we still are making.
 
 
SEVEN: I’ve been wearing heels since 1st grade…I think that’s my trick for being able to walk in them. I’ve literally been doing it since I was little. Maybe a time or two I have had to run in them as well!
 
 
EIGHT: I have asthma and still ran cross country in high school. Never let your physical limitations limit you.
 
 
NINE: I took piano lessons for 8 years and have sang in choir since I was old enough to. I am shy to sing solo, unlike my two beautiful sisters who took voice lessons. One of my biggest regrets, I chose not to take voice lessons.
 
 
TEN: I was NEVER a dog person until we bought Montana 2 months into our marriage. I fell in love with our 6 week old puppy (now 4 yrs!) and have been smitten ever since. I will love on your puppy if they are around me! 
 
 
ELEVEN: French fries give me life, and hips lol! I will eat all types: steak, sweet potato, McDonald’s!
 
 
TWELVE: I collect cute coffee mugs much to my husbands dismay!
 
 
THIRTEEN: I never wore lipstick until 2013 and have turned into a lipstick obsessor.
 
 
FOURTEEN: My two older sisters and I shared a room from the time I was 8 years old! Built in best friends.
 
 
FIFTEEN: My first job to support my shopping habit was being a janitor at a small building at my school. 
 
 
SIXTEEN: I love the outdoors but I don’t spend enough time out there with how busy life is. I grew up camping with my family and was finally able to do that this Summer, it had been at least 10 years.
 
 
SEVENTEEN: I grew up wanting to live in SoCal, since living there for 4 years I have grown to love living in Oregon so much more! SoCal, I’ll come visit you.
 
 
EIGHTEEN: I make lists….lots of lists. It’s how I stay motivated to clean, get things done, and stay organized.
 
 
NINETEEN: My senior year of high school and freshman year of college, I went to Italy on a missions trip.
 
 
TWENTY: I went a whole summer without makeup. My skin has never looked better than that time.
 
 
TWENTY ONE: I played Volleyball for 3 years, Tennis for 4 years, and ran Cross Country for 2 years.
 
 
TWENTY-TWO: I have always wanted blue eyes, my husband has the most beautiful blue eyes so here’s to hoping our kiddos someday will too!
 
 
TWENTY-THREE: My first time flying on an airplane was my junior year of high school. I LOVE to travel now.
 
 
TWENTY FOUR: My senior year of high school I took 4 classes there and 4 classes in college.
 
 
TWENTY-FIVE: My senior project was re-doing a huge office space in my high school. My freshman year of college I was hired to re-do the on campus coffee shop that remains the same 7 years later.
 
 
TWENTY SIX: My husband and I grew up a 1/2 mile away from each other but never spent any time together until College. My dad even coached his little league baseball team coach.
 
 
 

That’s just a little bit of me! Thank you for being such great supporters of this little dream of mine.



Beauty Health and Fitness Life

10 Ways to Self Care and Why It’s Important.

I first want to say thank you for all your support and kind words on my last blog post. It has meant the world to me that not only am I encouraging with my words but that it is resonating with so many of you. THAT post and this post are near and dear to my heart because they go hand in hand. I hope this brings you some relief in your day and clarity in thought! 

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How many days do you sit while your mind rushes around you telling you that you don’t have time to sit? Maybe you have little one’s running around making it obvious you don’t have time to sit? Maybe you are sitting at the office and mentally going down the list of things you need to do at home instead of relaxing when you’re off?

 

When I was in treatment for my Eating disorder, I learned about self-care for the first time. In our society, we too often get caught up in the speed of life and lose ourselves. We NEED to take the time to take care of ourselves. How are we able to help others if we are not helping ourselves?! Don’t you think you can give more to your work, kids, husband, family, and friends if you are taken care of?

 

This doesn’t mean a spa day once a week, although that sounds really nice. This means, finding a small amount of time during your week to do the things that fill you up. This looks completely different for each person. I am listing 10 ways that I make sure I am taking care of myself. The time I spend on each of these things are dependent on my schedule for the week, but I always make the time for a little bit of each.

 
ONE: Take 10 minutes…
 
Take 10 minutes to check out. Sometimes this will be during your morning cup of coffee when no one is up yet or when everyone is tucked into bed at night. Take 10 minutes to zone out. This may be reading a book for 10 minutes, a magazine for 10 minutes, watching youtube for 10 minutes, or catching up on social media for 10 minutes. The key: keep it to the time limit you put on yourself. We easily get caught up in these things!


TWO: Make time for your hobby.
 
Don’t lose yourself. Make the time, whether it’s 30 minutes once a week or 30 minutes each day. Before life got busy and we grew up, there were so many activities that we used to fill our time with that filled our hearts! We don’t have all the time that we had before but we can definitely make time for a small activity here and there. For me, this is blogging. It has become a huge part of me but I am able to dedicate time to it. It may be knitting, scrapbooking, drawing, sewing, painting, home decor, etc: for you. Take some time for YOU.



THREE: Paint your nails.
 
I feel SO much better when my nails are painted. Toes and fingers! I make the time to be sure these are done. Regular nail polish only lasts 3 days on my nails, it will literally flake off. I finally found THIS kit that lasts almost 2 weeks on my nails while doing all my normal activities. I put together a quick video to show you how EASY it is to do! Plus this kit will last you a LONG time!



FOUR: Use a face mask.
 
My skin has been my worst enemy for the last 5 years. Hormones and stress have shot my skin to destruction. I have since decided at least once a week, to use a face mask. I may be using a face mask as I clean my bathroom but hey, I am using that face mask! Multitasking is an amazing technique.
 

Here are a few of my favorite: ELF Bubble Mask, Bliss Clay Mask, (expensive but worth it!) THIS one!



FIVE: Use a hair mask.
 
Pretty much the same thing that goes for my face mask, goes for my hair mask. Your roots will praise you for this. Try THIS mask once a week! I wrote all about it HERE. It feels like a day at the spa without having to leave your house or get out of your pajamas! 



SIX: Clean out the refrigerator night.
 
Need a break from cooking but don’t want to bust the budget? We do a clean out the refrigerator night where I think of either one meal or a couple (depending on how much leftovers we have) for everyone to eat from that night. You don’t have to cook extra and spend money!


SEVEN: Get a cup of coffee..out of the house.
 
Again, whatever you have the time for. Wether it’s walking through target with your little ones, or grocery shopping by yourself….get a cup of coffee sweet delight to sip on and treat yourself! That $1 section is calling your name, I know it! 
 
EIGHT: Talk with a friend.
 
When life isn’t busy, this can often times happen by going out with your friend. When life is busy, take a couple minutes to text or call each other. Keeping in touch with each other is SO important. You need to be sure you still have your sounding boards and confidants when life gets busy AND when life is easy.


NINE: Shave your legs.
 
Seems like common sense, but let’s be honest….how many of us don’t take the time to do this as often as we should. Take the time, and do it right! Replace the head of the razor  (THESE are my FAVORITE!) more often and use a nice oil after you shave your leg to moisturize like THIS one. The extra 15 minutes is worth it.


 
TEN: Exercise.
 
If it’s once or week or more, take the time to do it. Go on a walk. Go on a jog. Lift some weights at home or the gym. Do an ab workout. Stretch. Do something to lift your endorphins up. You will FEEL so much better physically and mentally. You may even see a difference in the mirror. This is the one that is the most difficult for me, I am getting better at it and feeling all the benefits! I wrote a little about the benefits of exercise HERE.

 

 
Take the time for YOU so that you can take the time for the people in your life!